Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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