I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
