just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
