so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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