When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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