i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
