so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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