Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
