lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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