so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
