Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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