the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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