I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
