I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
