That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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