I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
