Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
