How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is Oprah even human
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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