On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
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If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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