Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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