I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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