nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
