Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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