My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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