I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
