I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
