I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
