I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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