I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
