I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
