take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
