After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
