Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Drunk is not a location!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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