why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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