I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
