I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
