I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
