you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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