you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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