he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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