swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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