I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ladies don't puke and tell
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize