I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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