So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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