It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
