totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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