Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
