when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
