Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
