Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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