Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
