he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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