You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
