She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
