my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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