I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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