I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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