I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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