I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
