hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
