her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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