Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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